Posted by: Miriam | 17/03/2010

Online Dating, Miriam and Jaime Style

So right now, this very damn second, my good friend Jaime (name withheld for privacy concerns) is on Internet Dating Site chatting. Whoop-te-do, you might say, except that I am watching this tragic comedy unfold before my eyes. How? Well Jaime gave me her login and password to peruse, at will, boys she might want to date.

So, being the curiously morbid person I am, I of COURSE log in. I have a complete and utter fascination of personal ads. I can spend hours reading them, scoffing at them, being confused, and amazed that adults still do not have a good grasp of semi-correct English. And so now that I have special privileged access I spend hours this afternoon (between baking cookies and dinner and recycling and running) staring at people who I will never actually see/talk to/or have much to do with. I am going to really enjoy myself (insert evil laughter).

So I’m poking around, reading Jaime’s profile to make sure I know whats up. I know she needs wit, sarcasm, doggies, and cuteness in her boys. Reading through profiles, the men in Portland all say the same damn thing, bikes-hiking-bands-music-some alt lifestyle bit here. They all have facial hair and glasses. Not that I mind any of this, nor does Jamie, but please people you being in a band and having a slightly scruffy beard and unkempt hair does not make you unique. It makes you a hipster, especially if you wear skinny girl jeans.

…Tag Team back again…

So here I am, in Colorado, surfing Portland-psudo hipster boys’ profiles. And of course it says Jaime is online. So what do people do? They chat her. Er, me. Shit. Shit. Shit. Now I have a quandary, how do I flirt as someone else?

First dude: Hey did I see you down at Kell’s Irish Pub this weekend?

Jaime: Probably not, as I abhor green beer and throngs of annoying people.

Sweet, just nailed it!

Mattress: so what are you doing on this bright sunday

Damn thats too innocuous to ignore…

Jaime: perusing personal ads you?

Like der.

Mattress: I am about to go grab bagels and coffee and go mattress shopping

Hence the not-real-name Mattress

(farther along in the conversation)

Mattress: So what do you do?

Jaime: I play a crazy person on TV

Mattress: I’m not sure if you are joking or serious, but I hope you are serious.

Jamie: so you are intrigued by crazy, this is good

Mattress: oh yes!

(Continuing on)

Mattress: what kind of bagels do you like

Jaime: non-raisin cinnamon

Mattress: so if I got you a blueberry bagel you would be stoked

Jaime: potentially yea maybe

Mattress: haha I’ll get a few that way you can choose

Mattress: so if I gave you my cell number…would you text me questions about marshmallows or just prank call me?

Jaime: D) all of the above

Mattress: make it happen

So right there, I manage to get this dude’s digits for Jaime. But not just digits, FOOD. I got some random dude to bring her FOOD! Now what do I do, she is still asleep.

I call her and wake her ass up. Tell her this boy is mattress shopping, and picking up bagels and coffee. And that she better have a cute pic up (currently not her due to some previous stalking issues) to send to him a-effing-sap. Later that night he comes back online, when the real Jaime is online too. But so am I. So I get first hand account of their often-bizarre flirtations. She is trying to see how weird and sarcastic she can be and he is just rolling with the punches.

So success numero one! They are still talking!

There are a couple of other Portland Style boys I find. She PMs/chats them and they are at least interesting and pleasant conversations.

Yea! I am an online dating match maker. That’ll be 19.99 please.

Lonely, forlorn, personal ads giving you hives? Drop a line and I’ll find you that special someone who can put up with your unique brand of crazy.



  1. Are your services for sale for your guy friends??

    (No, I’m not looking, but I think this whole scenario would be funnier if you were talking with a girl for a guy friend.)

  2. Haha! Yes! Even better!

  3. Skinny girl jeans, eek. I couldn’t get one leg in a full pair of those scary things. Seriously, why do men wear them? Get on a bike and ride. Get some real legs.

  4. This made me smile…I too did the online thing about 3-4 years ago now. I always wondered if girls were emailing me or if a “ghost writer” was doing it. A couple of times I got harsh e-mails that were due to roommates hacking accounts 🙂

  5. A career move to pimp. Makes a father so proud 🙂

  6. Yes, please use some of your wit and sass to hook a brother up. I like unicorns and feet. Go.

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