Posted by: Miriam | 03/10/2010

Part 3: Pulling Myself Together

I. Am. Fucking. Over. This.

I understand that I severely injured my ankle. I broke both my tib and fib. I had  pretty invasive surgery where metal parts connect my bones to one another. All of this will cause pain, suffering, and discomfort. I want nothing more than be healed and whole again. This is going to take time.

Fuck time. I want my life back. I want to walk. I want to carry things. I want to ride bikes. I want my sleep to be normal. I want to be me again.

I know I will get through this, the only other “option” is to not – which really isn’t much of an option. But for the next 5 weeks I am stuck in a cast, on crutches, and pretty much unable to do 90% of the activities I am accustomed to doing. Just going to the Farmers Market yesterday kicked my ass. No sleep, shooting pain in my bones every time I think about moving my foot.

The problem (well, one of many) with not sleeping is the feeling of everything spiraling out of control. Everything is amplified. Everything bad is really really bad. Go ahead and chuck any coping mechanism out the window when its dark and lonely. When the pain creeps in, when the Insomnia is rearing its ugly malformed head all I can do is stare back into its inky beady eyes. Some days I can tell it to go back to the deepest darkest depths of the hell which it grew from. Some nights it sneaks in, sulks in a corner and causes little hissy fits all through the night. But the absolute worst is when Insomnia brings Loneliness and Fear to party. These 3 are the most deadly of combinations. Insomnia likes to screw with your mind. Loneliness and Fear are the evil step sisters who taunt and tease and sing back up for Insomnia.

Last night the damned trio was present in full force. All the darkness and the childish fears and emotions I have bottled up over the last 3 weeks lubed by the oxycodone came out last night. After staring at the ceiling, and playing video games by 3 am I couldn’t handle it anymore – crazy was starting in.  I havent been taking any narcotics for a while, so the oxycodone took a while to kick in. Pain shooting up ones leg does not help when fighting Insomnia. After a few middle of the night messages to the people who have grated me those special privileges and the narcotics sinking in I told Insomnia to kiss my rapidly-shrinking-hairy leg. And I slept. I slept that heavy drugged sleep. It is not good sleep, nor was it long, but I refuse to dance this dance of sorrow and pity and helplessness for myself again. Though Fear and Loneliness still linger this afternoon, they will get bounced soon. I realize that the triumvirate may return, but fuck me if  it wont be without a battle.

Be forewarned, when you come back, I’ll be pulling  out the big guns of Friendship, Compassion, and Love (and maybe some narcotics if Pain decides to crash this party).

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Responses

  1. oh man do i hear that…worst part of my back injury was sleeping for a few hours and then the fire burn pain that kept me from sleeping more then 15 minutes at a time. eventually the only thing that helped, other then acupuncture, was muscle relaxors. Of course, my doc didn’t tell me that they are HIGHLY addictive. Thankfully I googled the drug when I got home and only took them when absolutely necessary. But they certainly put me out for the night.


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